About Our Selfish Nature...

So here’s the thing about human beings, we are innately selfish. We are born that way, we want what we want when we want it and we get pissed if we don’t get it. Babies cry when they don’t get what they want, kids act out, but what do adults do? I think the simplest way to put it is that they hurt people (both themselves and others).

I recognize that I am being completely vulnerable here and that’s pretty scary but hear me out. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because it’s one of the things that I like the least about myself. I used to think that I was pretty good at putting others first but I’m not so sure right now. I work hard at ignoring my selfish nature, I work very hard at pushing it down because I love other people and I want them to love me (although that in itself is selfish I suppose). But when I think about the things that I’ve done that I don’t like, the inevitable under layer is my own self-interest. I see people that I want to be like, people who seem to always be able to put others first, I want to be like them. I want to be loving and selfless, while maintaining healthy boundaries, but I don’t think that I’m very good at it.

Being married certainly has curbed parts of this selfishness; because you can’t have a good marriage unless you are willing to think of the other person’s interests on level with your own, my husband has taught me a great deal. However, I’m still growing and working on it and there are still a lot of things that I do that I don’t like. And why do I act this way? I can’t stand that I do it, yet I continue the behavior. I beat myself up (in my head) and overanalyze every action, but I have trouble changing.

So here’s the thing about selfish human nature, we’ve each got one, but I like mine the least. I know we are our own worst enemies and that is certainly true for me.

With all this said I want to apologize, an apology which I am sending out into the void, to the many people that I have hurt in my own self interest over the years. I know most of those people will never see this, but I want it to be out there:

I am sorry. I have hurt you and I am sorry. I have tried, but I will try harder. Please forgive me and please trust that I am working on it. My dear sisters and brothers in Christ, pray for me that I might live as Christ did, in love.